Tuesday, April 27, 2010

I Shit You NOT!


Hi everyone.  I will do my best to answer your questions.  Big Daddy Cain's blog thanks you for your overwhelming response.  I have only received questions from my female followers.  And it seems that One of the Most important things on your minds is whether or not I change shitty diapers.  This makes me think that it must be unusual for a man to clean turds out of a baby's ass.  Why is this?  There is nothing finer than the scent of feces hitting my nostrils as I walk in the door from a long days work.  "It's your turn"  seems to be a popular phrase around babies.  Well I'm not going to answer that question now.  (Creating suspense) 

  Momma Fargo asked what my favorite kind of beer is.  Don't mean to sound like an Asshole But If you look at the picture on my blog or read my blog you would know I drink liquid truth not beer.  At 500 lbs. beer doesn't do anything for me.  If I am going to have a drink it's only purpose is to get me drunk.  So no beer for me.  Although I like imports over domestics.  Don't like that?  Too bad bitches!  Momma Fargo also asked about my most embarrassing moment .  I am going to tell you but you have to promise not to tell anyone O.K?  I am begging you all not to tell please.  I don't know if I can trust you.  Seriously don't tell the wife I told you this PLEASE.  Okay.  pphhheeewww!!  Fine.  I was leaving for work one morning.  For those who don't know I leave really early and usually no one else is awake.  This fine freezing morning The wife slept on the couch.  (yes she had been naughty and I had to punish her)  My stomach had been hurting real bad and cramping like a mother fucker.  (Does that sound gay?)  

Anyshittydiaper,  I went to the car.  I was getting in when my keys slipped and fell on the floor board.  I bent over to get the keys and my stomach felt like the terminator just ripped it in half.  I thought I was going to rip one but ended up with an ass full of soupy poopy.  At this point I have to go inside and clean up, Obviously. My wife  is on the couch and is waiting to greet me inside.  Fuck it!  I can't just go to work and hope the underwear keeps it all in. Maybe I can stop at a gas station and just throw the undies in the trash.  I could just free ball it today.  Shit with my luck it will soak through my pants and into the seat of the car,  then my car will smell like an old folks home.   At this point I'm sweating in the freezing ass cold anticipating the loving greeting I will receive.  Fuck it!  I'm going in!  I open the door to hear "What's wrong baby?"  SHITFUCKDAMMITTOHELL!!!!!!!!  "Nothings wrong just have to go to the shitter"    "Why are you walking like that?"  Okay I wasn't really walking it was more like shuffling my feet quickly across the living room.  Fuck!!  "My tummy hurts a little but I'll be okay.  "Did you split your self?"  "No I shit myself okay!!"  This brought about huge uproarious laughter.  

Long story short I went to the bathroom to clean up and cry a little.  Come to find out it was worse than I thought.  This wasn't a little accident it was an Assplosion!!!!!  I had to change both the undies and the pants.  When I came back out the wife asked " did you fucking fall in or what?"  I cried some more and ran out of the house only to get harassing phone calls later.  Snickering when I walk in the room is always welcoming.  I don't want to talk about this anymore.  
   Yes I do change turd buckets.  I mean diapers with poo in them.  There now you know.  Sorry you had to read all that other crap just to find that out.  I will answer more questions next time gotta go change a Shitty diaper.

 

7 comments:

That One Mom said...

Best. Story. Ever.

GunDiva said...

So wrong.
So funny.

Oh, wait, I should feel sorry for you a little bit too, huh?

Okay, was that long enough?

Monique-aka-Surferwife23 said...

OKie Dokie. That was a lovely story. Thank you, BDC.

Momma Fargo said...

LMFAO! I have tears in my eyes and I have to go out there and fight crime. No one is going to understand that I just laughed until I cried and then peed my pants. Egads!

PS. I asked you the beer question to be a smartass. :)

adrienzgirl said...

That's right ladies. He's ALL MINE. Don't be jealous!

Daffy said...

WTF? You could've at least answered a couple more questions. And needing to go to change an crappy diaper is a shitty excuse. All mothers know you have to multitask. Surely you are capable of doing what other women do all the time.....

Alex said...

Ha ha ha my frickin ribs hurt HA! Disgusting and funny yet your lovely wife still thinks you're hot.