Thursday, May 13, 2010

Answers from the 151 well....

Long awaited, answers are on the way.  Haven't had any time to drink lately.  Too busy with my darling little baby girl.  Sorry to be away so long.  Adrienzgirl asked me why I like "B" movies so much.  Or as she says "Shitty movies that could suck the life out of a dead body that has been rotting away for the last 6 months."  I really have no answer to this question.  I love them for many reasons.  I guess the main one would be because they are so unrealistic.  The real world sucks shitty egg rolls!!  I want to live in Mad Max's world.  My ultimate dream is to live in the future after the nuclear holocaust has devastated the world and left me the strongest smartest man alive.   Obviously, it would take a holocaust to make me that man. ( please save the ribbing till the end).  I think the lack of realism is why I love these movies so much.  It might be the fact that everyone else will run and hide to avoid watching them,  leaving me to enjoy some alone time.  Well, that's out the door with the arrival of a new baby.  It's a real good thing she is so cute.  Otherwise I might put her in the fridge too cool off for a while.  Don't ask.

Alicia wants to know if she can borrow 20 bucks.  Sure....get in line behind the IRS and my older daughter.  Shit in one hand and you'll have a pile of shit in your hand.  HMMM....That's not quite right is it?  Oh well.  Next, my earliest Star Wars memory is the year I lost my two front teeth on Christmas eve.  I only remember it cause that's the year I got the Millennium Falcon for Christmas.  One of the best Christmas's ever.  And my last answer for Alicia, I fell in love with my wife because she is beautiful beyond belief both on the inside and out.  I had a hard time finding words when she was around and all I wanted to do was kiss her.  Big boobies helped a lot too.

Daffy asked which shoe I put on first?  Always the left shoe first.  It's weird cause that is the leg the doctors want to cut off.  I noticed years ago that if I put on the right shoe first, I would not make any money that day.  I was on commission, so it was real important to figure out what worked as far as luck to bring in the green.  One morning I was sitting on the toilet putting on my shoes when it hit me.  I didn't make shit yesterday which is not to say I didn't do my business on the pot, but that there was no green made that day.  Which shoe did I put on yesterday?  When I figured it out, I always put lefty on first and almost doubled my income.  Next, my testicles are perfectly proportioned, as far as I know.  You are welcome to check them for me and let me know, if we ever meet.   Don't let the wife catch you reaching for my balls though.  She says she never gets jealous, but that is complete Bullshit!  Now, orange peppers come from Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory actually.  Glad you asked Daffy.  Orange peppers actually start out as green peppers though.  When an Oompa  Loompa pisses Willy off, or just sucks at his job, they send them to a special room. (they didn't show it in the movie.)  This room is called the LoompaJuicah.  They squeeze all the fluids out of the little bastard with the LoompaJuicah, which is basically an over-sized Cuisinart on steroids, and pour it over the green peppers.  Now, if you don't know, Oompa Loompas are naturally sweet and orange in color.  The peppers turn orange and become sweeter almost instantly.  I think Willy uses a little of his magic also.  Shit I don't know, but I love the hell out of orange peppers.  Thanks for pissing Willy off you little orange bastards. Lastly, what does the wife do if I cook clean work and take care of the baby?  The answer is simple.  The reason I do all this is because all she does is sit and watch in awe when I am around.  She can't take her eyes off of me long enough to function properly.  I have had this problem my whole life.  She worships me.  What can I say?

Danielle wants to know why it takes men so long to grow up?  Simple.  It's the same reason I hate the real world.  Men cannot deal with reality.  We just want to burp and fart and have a good time.  Women always want to be serious.  We hate that.  We just want to get drunk and screw everything that walks.
(and even things that can't walk cause they can't run away)  Next, men who do grow up are pussies because somewhere there is a woman who has a hold of his nut sack and is twisting it so hard, that he will do whatever she wants.  Not me.  I am in control here.  Last, I am not really sure why you can't become a lesbian Danielle.  Just let go of your inhibitions and give it a whirl.  Nothing is hotter to a man than knowing the girl he is seeing used to be with a woman.  Great way to meet men.  By the way, if you decide to do it please send me some pictures.  I promise I won't show them to anyone else.  Pinky swear.

Monique-aka-Surferwife  wants to know if I would rather sleep on the same sheet for a year or use the same towel for a year.  My answer is a question unfortunately.  I was supposed to change the sheets and wash my towel.  No wonder people look at me and cover their noses when I go out.  That might also explain why the kids won't come near me anymore.  Hmmm.......  Which would I rather eat?  Something out of my garbage disposal or something from under my couch?  NEITHER.  Everybody know the best treats come straight out of the cat box.  Yummy.  Last, if I had a band what would I name it?  Definitely STINKY FINGERS.  My first album will be titled "2 in the PINK and 1 in the STINK."



Gayle asked who is neater, me or the wife.  HANDS DOWN, I am neater.

That's all for now folks....tired of writing.  TTYL.

9 comments:

Daffy said...

Good Lord I totally know why your woman loves you.

I am so super stoked to know where orange peppers come from now. Thats just the coolest and I think i might wanna be pictured on your album cover....maybe....kind of depends...

Mad Max is super freakin' awesome! Its a favorite in our house.

That One Mom said...

So this is why you were giggling in a corner while we were chatting with the wife earlier...

You're a very silly man. But that is a redundant statement.

Anonymous said...

Dude! You are so freakin' crazy! But I already knew that, I get to work with you everyday. LMAO Now I know why you're so tired all the time. lol See you in the mornin', keep writin' it's hilarious. I think we should be charging money to let peeps read this shit!! Wifey can be your manager, she needs to get you a pubic/publicity agent!1 When I type a one by mistake Flip says I should always leave it, what do you think Dude?? See you in the mornin'!!!

SurferWife said...

oh you are one sick ass mother fucker.

Shocker forever.

adrienzgirl said...

I don't even know what to say about your post today.

Though...the LoompaJuicah was some freaking hilarious shit my love!

Buffee said...

OMG! I read this at work and everyone wanted to know what the h was going on? LoompaJuicah? WTF? Too freaking funny! I think I peed myself I was laughing so hard!

Maybe I should hide that bottle of 151 my husband bought for you tonight!

Still laughing. . .

Danielle said...

Thanks for the clarification on my question. It helped and I may have to go lesbo for a while. May do me some good in the man section. That is such a bizzar way to think, but I like it!

mepsipax said...

WTF is wrong with you. I love it. Loved the album cover.

Momma Fargo said...

Hilarious! Made me laugh! Thanks, I needed that!