I Shit You NOT!

Hi everyone.  I will do my best to answer your questions.  Big Daddy Cain's blog thanks you for your overwhelming response.  I have only received questions from my female followers.  And it seems that One of the Most important things on your minds is whether or not I change shitty diapers.  This makes me think that it must be unusual for a man to clean turds out of a baby's ass.  Why is this?  There is nothing finer than the scent of feces hitting my nostrils as I walk in the door from a long days work.  "It's your turn"  seems to be a popular phrase around babies.  Well I'm not going to answer that question now.  (Creating suspense) 

  Momma Fargo asked what my favorite kind of beer is.  Don't mean to sound like an Asshole But If you look at the picture on my blog or read my blog you would know I drink liquid truth not beer.  At 500 lbs. beer doesn't do anything for me.  If I am going to have a drink it's only purpose is to get me drunk.  So no beer for me.  Although I like imports over domestics.  Don't like that?  Too bad bitches!  Momma Fargo also asked about my most embarrassing moment .  I am going to tell you but you have to promise not to tell anyone O.K?  I am begging you all not to tell please.  I don't know if I can trust you.  Seriously don't tell the wife I told you this PLEASE.  Okay.  pphhheeewww!!  Fine.  I was leaving for work one morning.  For those who don't know I leave really early and usually no one else is awake.  This fine freezing morning The wife slept on the couch.  (yes she had been naughty and I had to punish her)  My stomach had been hurting real bad and cramping like a mother fucker.  (Does that sound gay?)  

Anyshittydiaper,  I went to the car.  I was getting in when my keys slipped and fell on the floor board.  I bent over to get the keys and my stomach felt like the terminator just ripped it in half.  I thought I was going to rip one but ended up with an ass full of soupy poopy.  At this point I have to go inside and clean up, Obviously. My wife  is on the couch and is waiting to greet me inside.  Fuck it!  I can't just go to work and hope the underwear keeps it all in. Maybe I can stop at a gas station and just throw the undies in the trash.  I could just free ball it today.  Shit with my luck it will soak through my pants and into the seat of the car,  then my car will smell like an old folks home.   At this point I'm sweating in the freezing ass cold anticipating the loving greeting I will receive.  Fuck it!  I'm going in!  I open the door to hear "What's wrong baby?"  SHITFUCKDAMMITTOHELL!!!!!!!!  "Nothings wrong just have to go to the shitter"    "Why are you walking like that?"  Okay I wasn't really walking it was more like shuffling my feet quickly across the living room.  Fuck!!  "My tummy hurts a little but I'll be okay.  "Did you split your self?"  "No I shit myself okay!!"  This brought about huge uproarious laughter.  

Long story short I went to the bathroom to clean up and cry a little.  Come to find out it was worse than I thought.  This wasn't a little accident it was an Assplosion!!!!!  I had to change both the undies and the pants.  When I came back out the wife asked " did you fucking fall in or what?"  I cried some more and ran out of the house only to get harassing phone calls later.  Snickering when I walk in the room is always welcoming.  I don't want to talk about this anymore.  

   Yes I do change turd buckets.  I mean diapers with poo in them.  There now you know.  Sorry you had to read all that other crap just to find that out.  I will answer more questions next time gotta go change a Shitty diaper.

 

Nothing to write about

  Yes I have been gone a while.  Sorry for that.  Wait, someone told me to quit apologizing and be myself.  Therefore I am not sorry.  Have been feeling pretty down lately.  I have been too worried about how to make ends meet.  Liquid truth has been very hard to come by.  Luckily today is the day I managed to sneak to the liquor store.  Feeling good and not worrying about money and shit.

  So I have been racking my brain (well what brain I have left) trying to come up with a topic to write about and have not been having any luck.  Usually I have no shortage of things to bitch about.  Lately I am in kind of a daze.  Just can't believe how fucked up things can get so fast.  I have never been a financial genius but I have really dropped the ball lately.  Oh fucking well. 

   So the wife has been watching the show Parenthood on the tele and telling me how much like the movie it is.  I keep saying what movie are you talking about?  She says the one with Steve Martin.  I think she is talking about Father of the Bride so this doesn't make any sense.  Long story short I am watching the movie Parenthood tonight (actually I am still watching as I am writing this) And realizing this is my life.  Right down to the teenage daughter who thinks she knows everything and is ready to move out.  Teenagers suck!   That's all I have to say about that.  If you have not seen this movie check it out.  I was able to laugh at it in spite of it being exactly my life. 

   Nough bout that.  Inspiration is not in the air lately.  I have too many projects going right now.  The simple minded brain I have only lets me think about one thing at a time.  I was thinking (in between projects and work and holding a baby and helping my other kids and cleaning and laundry and cooking and farting and belching and sleeping and driving and showering and brushing my teeth and flossing and drinking this rum) that it might be fun if you ( the people who read this )  Could give me some blog topics.  Not what your blog is about that day.  Just give me some inspiration.  That might be helpful to me.  Anything will do.  Think of it as asking questions of the criminally insane only I won't come torture or kill you.  Well it might be torture reading this dribble.  Ask me all the questions you were afraid to ask your mom.  Oh this could really be fun.  Remember don't ask if you don't want to hear the truth (as I see it).  All opinions posted in Big Daddy Cains blog are his own opinion and do not reflect the opinions of Blogspot or whatever the hell this site is called.  So If you want to know the cold hard truth ( The Liquid Truth ) About the world we live in, or even just about your pathetic life, please send me your questions.  I look forward to seeing just how fucked up you people really are.

Pot pie?

  I just farted and it smells like chicken pot pie.  Is that normal?

On a serious note

  This is my attempt at writing a serious blog.

Pinky swear etiquette and random crap

Okay, sorry I have been gone for a few days.  I ran out of rum and had to wait till payday for my inspiration. Ugh!  I mean liquid truth. I have been really busy and keep falling asleep early.  You're right, this does not make Zgirl very happy.  I am sorry wife, I still love you and want to tear that ass up. 

Have you seen those guys at road construction sites that hold the sign?  You know what I'm talking about.  It says stop on one side and slow on the other.  Well, I drive for a living, in between jumping out of the car to boost other people's cars.  That's another story for another day.  (the boosting cars I mean)  So, I see these guys all the time and I feel sorry for them.  Bullshit!!!  That's right I just called Bullshit on myself.  Huh!  OH shit, that's kinda fucked up isn't it?   HA HA HA HA!  MMMMM.....This 151 is really good tonight.  I always think when the sign is turned around, and you see this dumb fuck (who is only qualified to hold the fucking sign) standing there next to a sign that says "slow" that I really didn't need that SHIT spelled out for me ASSHOLES!!!!!!!!  Any moron can see this idiot is slow as Heinz ketchup in the glass bottle.  That shit pisses me off.  I want my ketchup now!!!!!!!

I'm three drinks in and feeling no pain now.  People tell me that's enough to kill an elephant.  Lightweights!  Sorry if pachyderms can't handle their fluids.  Just checked the title of this blog and realize I should probably write something about Pinky Swears.  This will only make sense to you if you read the wife's blog.  If you don't shame on you.  If you want to check out  it's Think Tank Momma.  Who am I kidding?  The only way you found me is through her blog.  Thank you by the way.  Thanx for reading this crap. 

Anyappreciation, Pinky Swear etiquette is a very serious subject to me, and should be to you too.  I ask you this, ( yes you, with the hot wing grease all over the keyboard, use a fucking napkin please!)  is a text message good enough for a pinky swear?  Sure you have it in writing, but the whole idea is that you should actually hook the pinkys together and swear.  Right?  You are supposed to be in the same room.  Definitely email is too impersonal for this kind of exchange.  I might not look at my email for 2 years, so that's out.  (Although if your the one with grease all over the place, you're not getting laid no matter what, so why would you care?)  I personally accept the text message.  It got me laid 2 days ago so I think it works.  Also, I think women trading sex for favors is alright.(as long as it's with your husband or boyfriend)  If you start trading sex for favors with just anyone off the streets you might need to get your self checked out.(This is not a safe practice in modern day times.  Big Daddy Cain does not condone or support this kind of trading and certainly will not be held responsible for anyone who chooses to pimp themselves out in this manor.)

Four drinks in and just realized I have to get up at 3:30 AM.  Fuck it who gives a shit!!!!!!!!!  Yuengling (the beer) advertises that they have the oldest brewery in America.  To me, that (oops I meant lager.)  Excuse the hell out of me, voice in the left side of my head!  To me all this means is they are using old nasty dirty equipment.  Kinda like Hugh Heffner.  "You down with OPP, yeah you know me!!!!!!!"  You know the song Blinded by the light?  I don't get this song.  What I hear is Blinded by the light, wrapped up like a douchebag in the middle of the night.  WTF????  This don't make no sense at all.  

After driving all day, one of my favorite pass times is playing GRAND THEFT AUTO or SAINTS ROW on the PS3 or XBOX 360.  Nothing is greater after driving all day (dealing with people that can't drive worth a shit)  than going into the virtual world and mowing down innocent pedestrians.  I love driving like a complete lunatic trying to blow up as many people as possible.  There is no better anger management tool in the world for professional drivers.  If you drive for a living you have to try this.  It will make you laugh hysterically!  Yes, I love to play video games and my wife does not mind at all.  At least that's what she tells me.  I hope it's true.  If you know my wife please tell me if she says anything different.  Mecca Lecca Hi, Mecca Hieny Ho.  Sorry stole that from Pee Wee Herman.  You know, Sir Jerks-a-lot. 

Quick question for the ladies out there.  Would you think it was romantic if your husband looked at you all glassy eyed and said "Go get on the bed.  I want to put my wiener in you and ram it around a little bit ." ?   The wife says this is not romantic at all.  But you have to look at it from my point of view.  I am looking at my wife, whom I have been married to for a billion years and asking this question.  I'm saying I still find you extremely attractive and I want to make you feel good all over.  What could possibly be wrong about that?  Ok, I am going to make myself feel good too.  That's just an added benefit, to my making her feel good.  I am only in this for her pleasure.  Really.  I swear.  I only have her best interest in mind.  How could this be wrong?  I could say this to any number of other women who want me.  But I only want to say it to my wife, the love of my life.  Isn't that romantic? At least a little?  In some sadistic way I'm sure it is.

 Sorry but I have to Go to bed now.  Beware the CENSUS TROLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 

Conspiracy?

   I would like to start out by saying I am not at all interested in politics.  I'm not saying that I don't care about our country.  What I'm saying is that I hate all the bullshit that is known as American  politics.  Please do not ask me any political questions cause I won't even acknowledge them.  I know too many people that can't stand to be in the same room because of this subject.  I do not care to play this game.

    Okay got the disclaimer out of the way.  Even though I feel this way I do still have several opinions floating around my melon all at the same time.  Just to let you know I am not on the bottle tonight.  Okay I had one drink about 2 hours ago but it's no longer affecting my medulla oblongata.  (Learned those big words from the Water Boy)  "Alligators is awnry cause they got all those teeth and no toothbrush."  Sorry lost my train of thought.

   I heard this commercial on the radio today that really made me think.  I don't know if anybody has been writing about the whole Toyota thing  that has been all over the news.  If you have I am hoping this is a different opinion on the subject, sorry if I am repeating anything.  If you know anyone this has happened to I am very sorry.  I am not trying to poke fun at the situation at all.  I do believe the problems are real.  Not trying to hurt anyone.  

    The commercial was for the new Chevy Malibu.  I don't remember it all but it basically said that Toyota's are junk and the Malibu is a zillion times safer and more fuel efficient.  Correct me if I'm wrong but hasn't Toyota been selling the best cars in the universe since the big bang.(For all the other perverts out there besides me, I mean the big bang theory)  My parents have been driving nothing but Toyota's for over 20 years and never even had them in the shop for any repairs.  But that's not really the point I'm trying to make.  I'm not a Chevy hater either.  Doesn't the government basically own GM now?  Our government seems to be running smack commercials about Toyota.  If I am wrong I am sorry.  I don't really keep up with the news anymore.  Most of what I know I get off the radio while I am driving all over hell and back for my job. 
   
   So assuming I'm right up to this point, doesn't it seem really weird that Toyota has started having an assload of problems since the government took over.  Awfully convenient if you ask me.  I'm pretty sure that on one of the recent shuttle launches they must have sent up a new satellite with the sole purpose of fucking with Toyota.  Must be some kind of localized EMP weapon or something.  Maybe the bastards finally found a use for the old star wars program.  I can't even tell you how hurt I was as a young STAR WARS fanatic to find out that this program didn't even involve the Millennium Falcon or the Death Star.  It really hurt me to find out that it was just a waste of billions of tax dollars. 

   Anywasteoftaxdollars, I think maybe we have paid off the Russian cosmonaut who is sitting in the space station to randomly target Toyota's across America. Well can't be an EMP cause that would just disable the car.  Obviously not some kind of STAR WARS laser weapon because that would blow the car up and that might be too obvious.  Must be some kind of radio wave or secret wireless internet thing that can upload a hidden virus to the cars computer causing it to accelerate and not stop.  This is one hell of a way of boosting American car sales.

   You might think I am crazy and you're probably right but you won't change my opinion.  I don't trust the government or any public figures.  I think they are all crazy. 

  I want to leave you with one of my favorite sayings.                                                                                                                                                       
"I am actually the only sane person in this world full of crazy idiots"

Red cabbage

So I am sitting here on my couch 3 feet away from the wife.  She is in what I refer to as blogland right now.  3 feet away and she doesn't hear a word I say.  This is why I always said I wanted to start a blog support group for lost husbands with free time a plenty.  That is not necessarily what this blog is about but if I can make just one man out there feel like he is not alone in this crazy world, then I feel I have helped at least a little.  This blog will probably be more like random jumbles of thoughts that I feel like writing down. At times I am sure you will probably think to yourselves WTF!!!  Should be fun for you all to try and understand the mind of a slightly unstable lunatic called BDC.


Hmm...red cabbage.  WTF?  See this is one of those.  I warned you.  Remember that please.  Um...oh yeah, red cabbage.  One of my favorite pass times  is making up bullshit stories with my kids.  Now I said with my kids.  I also love to torture them by telling them crazy things about life.  I hope to remember some of the things I've come up with to share in the future because I think they are quite hilarious.  The wife usually is not impressed by my brainstorms about the universe.  Sometimes I can even get them(the kids) to believe me.  What's really sad is more often than not I can get the teenager to believe me.  She should be the one telling me I'm stupid but whatever.

Oops....dragged that out didn't I?   Had to start a whole new paragraph.  Sorry.  Yes, red cabbage.  This is definitely not one of my better stories but I liked it and I shocked the hell out of the wife.  I'll tell you why at the end.  We went to the grocery store the other day.   Not going to name the store cause I don't want to incriminate anybody.  So the wife and I went to the store the other day, with only one of our kids.  Don't ask how that happened, sometimes you just get lucky.  The middle of the three sons and I are walking through produce when I spot the cabbage.  Right next to the cabbage is of course, the red cabbage.  Now I don't know jack shit about cabbage, but as always, one of the voices in my head says it's time to screw with my son. 

Um....sidebar here for a moment.  I don't really know all the tricks to writing yet so pretend this is like off to the side or something.  Humor me please.  I know you're all wondering about the voices in my head, so let's clarify that I do not suffer from schizophrenia.  I just hear a lot of things going on in my head at the same time.  You know like everything I did last week, mixed with everything going on right now, plus everything I need to do in the let's say next 25 years.  Lots of times it's just things I wished I had done, along with things I want to do someday. 

Okay, now you no I'm not a total loon.  Hopefully.  I say to my son of 10 years "Do you know how they get red cabbage?"  Son says "No Dad, how do they get red cabbage?"  I say "They take prisoners, who aren't going to get out of prison, like ever, and they bring them to the cabbage field.  They get them to hold one of their arms out over the green cabbage and they cut off their arm.  They squeeze all of the blood out and pour it on the cabbage.   The cabbage grows red from there on out and that's how they make red cabbage."  My son is not shocked at all.  Just looks at me like I'm an asshole.  I say to the wife "Isn't that true?"  She stares at me dumbfounded and says, "What the hell is wrong with you?" I, of course, almost believe my bs and try to get her to agree with me, but to no avail. 

Once again left hanging while trying to tell my son how the real world works.  Anylie, I keep trying to get the son to ask the produce guy if I'm right.  After a while I give up.  Then we turn a corner and out of the corner of my eye, I spy my savior.  Halfway down the isle is a very young stock boy.  Time for one last try.   As we reach the stock boy, I quickly and pleadingly tell my son again how red cabbage is made.  He pretty much tells me I am a crazy idiot.  In comes my knight in shining armor.  "Your dad is right, you should ask your teacher at school she'll tell you he's right."  Just so you know, I have never met this boy before.  I don't even have the slightest idea what his name was.  The son looks at him then at me not sure what to think.  VICTORY!!!! 

For a split second he believes me.  That was all I wanted.  A solitary second of complete bliss just to know I got in his head.  Then the wife tells him the truth, of course.  But who cares I won.  The wife was not impressed but I know she always will forgive my eccentricities.  Is that the right word?  Aw, who gives a shit?  So everytime you see red cabbage, think of BDC and his little victory. As dumb as it is, it made me laugh.  Till next time, thanx for reading ttyl.

Yes I went to my wife's baby shower.....

Well here it is.  What you have all been waiting for.  BDC is finally attempting to blog.  I love talking about myself in the third person.  Makes me feel more important than I'm sure I really am.  Why is that so empowering?   I don't know but I like it a lot. 

I was recently at my wife's baby shower when some of the lady's there started shouting "BDC   BDC   BDC" and for some reason that made me feel more, manly.  Wait I know the jokes are already coming.  Why was I at the shower to begin with right?  Well the answer is because there were lots of women there and they seem to like me.  Okay that's not true I was there to pick up one of my three sons.  Yes I can say my three sons and it’s not only awesome but it’s true. 

So I was at my wife's baby shower to pick up women and my son when my adoring female fans started to chant my abbreviated namesake and I realized that people really do read this stuff, even people I know.  Now I think I was most shocked that I actually know people that can read, but also I thought it was pretty cool too.  So I started thinking about giving this writing stuff a shot.  I am not always a man of many words.  Often I just mumble things under my breath and wait for someone to ask me what's wrong.  Being prone to depression doesn't help much with that but my wife always helps me with that and sets me straight.  "Sweet heart you need to get in a better mood or I am going to bury your corpse in the back yard and find a new husband" tends to be a good motivator. 

The really weird thing is that when I drink I seem to get in a much better mood.  No matter how bad things get liquid truth tends to make things better.  This is completely backwards from the rest of my family but that's another story.  Bacardi 151 and a splash of coke is my chosen serum.  People call it jet fuel.  The way I drink it is apparently unusual.  Bartenders always ask if I know what the hell I am ordering.  They offer me water to go with it which I find insulting.  I started drinking liquid truth after gaining about a hundred pounds and realizing the regular stuff was not enough to do the trick anymore.  When my family knows I have had a bad day or am depressed about things in general they sometimes meet me at the door with a drink and tell me to drink it fast so they can make me another. 

Strange I know.  I may be the only person I've ever heard of that is encouraged to be a drunk.  I am not a drunk though.  I don't want you to get the wrong impression.  This is not a nightly thing with me.  Every couple of weeks or so is good enough to keep me going.  I never want to be the Dad that loses his wife or kids to the bottle.  Of course I am sure nobody wants to be that guy.  All things in moderation, or whatever that saying is. 

So anyways I was not at the baby shower to join in the festivities just there for business.  Just wanted to clear that up.  I am happily married with like 17 kids or something.  I just checked with the wife and it's actually 5 kids.  Sorry sometimes I lose count.  Anyway the drink tends to make me say whatever I actually think so it became liquid truth.  Well I just wanted to say hi and tell you a little bit about myself.  There will be more to come.  By the way BEWARE OF THE GREEN SMOKE!!!!!