Sunday, June 20, 2010

8 year old bloggers

  Most of you already know my 8 year old son is blogging now.  You can find him at Club Kamden.  I am not really sure how I feel about this.  I'm not scared of what he will say about me.  I can assure you that all the good stuff he says is true and all the bad stuff is not. Sometimes He tends to make things up.  On occasion, He has been known to make up some really weird stuff.  The wife and I have no idea where he gets this crap from.  Probably watches too much tv or something.  Certainly He didn't get it from me.  In fact, I am sure it comes from the wife's side of the family.  Well anyway please welcome him with open minds.  He is one smart little booger.

  I just wanted to say Happy Father's day to myself and all the Dads in the universe.  By the way, thank you God for the father's day present.  Every father should get a flat tire on this day so we can all be the same.

Friday, May 21, 2010

Love to Daffy

It's so hard to believe how fast people's lives can change.  It's completely Unimaginable that over the course of one week someone's life can not only change, but end without any prior warning.  My heart goes out to you Daffy.  I can't stop thinking about your Brother-in-law and his son.  I think a scholarship fund is a great idea.  I hope everyone out there will help send your nephew to college.  I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you and your family.  I wish nothing but love and happiness for you and yours in the future.


Thursday, May 13, 2010

Answers from the 151 well....

Long awaited, answers are on the way.  Haven't had any time to drink lately.  Too busy with my darling little baby girl.  Sorry to be away so long.  Adrienzgirl asked me why I like "B" movies so much.  Or as she says "Shitty movies that could suck the life out of a dead body that has been rotting away for the last 6 months."  I really have no answer to this question.  I love them for many reasons.  I guess the main one would be because they are so unrealistic.  The real world sucks shitty egg rolls!!  I want to live in Mad Max's world.  My ultimate dream is to live in the future after the nuclear holocaust has devastated the world and left me the strongest smartest man alive.   Obviously, it would take a holocaust to make me that man. ( please save the ribbing till the end).  I think the lack of realism is why I love these movies so much.  It might be the fact that everyone else will run and hide to avoid watching them,  leaving me to enjoy some alone time.  Well, that's out the door with the arrival of a new baby.  It's a real good thing she is so cute.  Otherwise I might put her in the fridge too cool off for a while.  Don't ask.

Alicia wants to know if she can borrow 20 bucks.  Sure....get in line behind the IRS and my older daughter.  Shit in one hand and you'll have a pile of shit in your hand.  HMMM....That's not quite right is it?  Oh well.  Next, my earliest Star Wars memory is the year I lost my two front teeth on Christmas eve.  I only remember it cause that's the year I got the Millennium Falcon for Christmas.  One of the best Christmas's ever.  And my last answer for Alicia, I fell in love with my wife because she is beautiful beyond belief both on the inside and out.  I had a hard time finding words when she was around and all I wanted to do was kiss her.  Big boobies helped a lot too.

Daffy asked which shoe I put on first?  Always the left shoe first.  It's weird cause that is the leg the doctors want to cut off.  I noticed years ago that if I put on the right shoe first, I would not make any money that day.  I was on commission, so it was real important to figure out what worked as far as luck to bring in the green.  One morning I was sitting on the toilet putting on my shoes when it hit me.  I didn't make shit yesterday which is not to say I didn't do my business on the pot, but that there was no green made that day.  Which shoe did I put on yesterday?  When I figured it out, I always put lefty on first and almost doubled my income.  Next, my testicles are perfectly proportioned, as far as I know.  You are welcome to check them for me and let me know, if we ever meet.   Don't let the wife catch you reaching for my balls though.  She says she never gets jealous, but that is complete Bullshit!  Now, orange peppers come from Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory actually.  Glad you asked Daffy.  Orange peppers actually start out as green peppers though.  When an Oompa  Loompa pisses Willy off, or just sucks at his job, they send them to a special room. (they didn't show it in the movie.)  This room is called the LoompaJuicah.  They squeeze all the fluids out of the little bastard with the LoompaJuicah, which is basically an over-sized Cuisinart on steroids, and pour it over the green peppers.  Now, if you don't know, Oompa Loompas are naturally sweet and orange in color.  The peppers turn orange and become sweeter almost instantly.  I think Willy uses a little of his magic also.  Shit I don't know, but I love the hell out of orange peppers.  Thanks for pissing Willy off you little orange bastards. Lastly, what does the wife do if I cook clean work and take care of the baby?  The answer is simple.  The reason I do all this is because all she does is sit and watch in awe when I am around.  She can't take her eyes off of me long enough to function properly.  I have had this problem my whole life.  She worships me.  What can I say?

Danielle wants to know why it takes men so long to grow up?  Simple.  It's the same reason I hate the real world.  Men cannot deal with reality.  We just want to burp and fart and have a good time.  Women always want to be serious.  We hate that.  We just want to get drunk and screw everything that walks.
(and even things that can't walk cause they can't run away)  Next, men who do grow up are pussies because somewhere there is a woman who has a hold of his nut sack and is twisting it so hard, that he will do whatever she wants.  Not me.  I am in control here.  Last, I am not really sure why you can't become a lesbian Danielle.  Just let go of your inhibitions and give it a whirl.  Nothing is hotter to a man than knowing the girl he is seeing used to be with a woman.  Great way to meet men.  By the way, if you decide to do it please send me some pictures.  I promise I won't show them to anyone else.  Pinky swear.

Monique-aka-Surferwife  wants to know if I would rather sleep on the same sheet for a year or use the same towel for a year.  My answer is a question unfortunately.  I was supposed to change the sheets and wash my towel.  No wonder people look at me and cover their noses when I go out.  That might also explain why the kids won't come near me anymore.  Hmmm.......  Which would I rather eat?  Something out of my garbage disposal or something from under my couch?  NEITHER.  Everybody know the best treats come straight out of the cat box.  Yummy.  Last, if I had a band what would I name it?  Definitely STINKY FINGERS.  My first album will be titled "2 in the PINK and 1 in the STINK."

Gayle asked who is neater, me or the wife.  HANDS DOWN, I am neater.

That's all for now folks....tired of writing.  TTYL.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

I Shit You NOT!

Hi everyone.  I will do my best to answer your questions.  Big Daddy Cain's blog thanks you for your overwhelming response.  I have only received questions from my female followers.  And it seems that One of the Most important things on your minds is whether or not I change shitty diapers.  This makes me think that it must be unusual for a man to clean turds out of a baby's ass.  Why is this?  There is nothing finer than the scent of feces hitting my nostrils as I walk in the door from a long days work.  "It's your turn"  seems to be a popular phrase around babies.  Well I'm not going to answer that question now.  (Creating suspense) 

  Momma Fargo asked what my favorite kind of beer is.  Don't mean to sound like an Asshole But If you look at the picture on my blog or read my blog you would know I drink liquid truth not beer.  At 500 lbs. beer doesn't do anything for me.  If I am going to have a drink it's only purpose is to get me drunk.  So no beer for me.  Although I like imports over domestics.  Don't like that?  Too bad bitches!  Momma Fargo also asked about my most embarrassing moment .  I am going to tell you but you have to promise not to tell anyone O.K?  I am begging you all not to tell please.  I don't know if I can trust you.  Seriously don't tell the wife I told you this PLEASE.  Okay.  pphhheeewww!!  Fine.  I was leaving for work one morning.  For those who don't know I leave really early and usually no one else is awake.  This fine freezing morning The wife slept on the couch.  (yes she had been naughty and I had to punish her)  My stomach had been hurting real bad and cramping like a mother fucker.  (Does that sound gay?)  

Anyshittydiaper,  I went to the car.  I was getting in when my keys slipped and fell on the floor board.  I bent over to get the keys and my stomach felt like the terminator just ripped it in half.  I thought I was going to rip one but ended up with an ass full of soupy poopy.  At this point I have to go inside and clean up, Obviously. My wife  is on the couch and is waiting to greet me inside.  Fuck it!  I can't just go to work and hope the underwear keeps it all in. Maybe I can stop at a gas station and just throw the undies in the trash.  I could just free ball it today.  Shit with my luck it will soak through my pants and into the seat of the car,  then my car will smell like an old folks home.   At this point I'm sweating in the freezing ass cold anticipating the loving greeting I will receive.  Fuck it!  I'm going in!  I open the door to hear "What's wrong baby?"  SHITFUCKDAMMITTOHELL!!!!!!!!  "Nothings wrong just have to go to the shitter"    "Why are you walking like that?"  Okay I wasn't really walking it was more like shuffling my feet quickly across the living room.  Fuck!!  "My tummy hurts a little but I'll be okay.  "Did you split your self?"  "No I shit myself okay!!"  This brought about huge uproarious laughter.  

Long story short I went to the bathroom to clean up and cry a little.  Come to find out it was worse than I thought.  This wasn't a little accident it was an Assplosion!!!!!  I had to change both the undies and the pants.  When I came back out the wife asked " did you fucking fall in or what?"  I cried some more and ran out of the house only to get harassing phone calls later.  Snickering when I walk in the room is always welcoming.  I don't want to talk about this anymore.  
   Yes I do change turd buckets.  I mean diapers with poo in them.  There now you know.  Sorry you had to read all that other crap just to find that out.  I will answer more questions next time gotta go change a Shitty diaper.


Thursday, April 22, 2010

Nothing to write about

  Yes I have been gone a while.  Sorry for that.  Wait, someone told me to quit apologizing and be myself.  Therefore I am not sorry.  Have been feeling pretty down lately.  I have been too worried about how to make ends meet.  Liquid truth has been very hard to come by.  Luckily today is the day I managed to sneak to the liquor store.  Feeling good and not worrying about money and shit.

  So I have been racking my brain (well what brain I have left) trying to come up with a topic to write about and have not been having any luck.  Usually I have no shortage of things to bitch about.  Lately I am in kind of a daze.  Just can't believe how fucked up things can get so fast.  I have never been a financial genius but I have really dropped the ball lately.  Oh fucking well. 

   So the wife has been watching the show Parenthood on the tele and telling me how much like the movie it is.  I keep saying what movie are you talking about?  She says the one with Steve Martin.  I think she is talking about Father of the Bride so this doesn't make any sense.  Long story short I am watching the movie Parenthood tonight (actually I am still watching as I am writing this) And realizing this is my life.  Right down to the teenage daughter who thinks she knows everything and is ready to move out.  Teenagers suck!   That's all I have to say about that.  If you have not seen this movie check it out.  I was able to laugh at it in spite of it being exactly my life. 

   Nough bout that.  Inspiration is not in the air lately.  I have too many projects going right now.  The simple minded brain I have only lets me think about one thing at a time.  I was thinking (in between projects and work and holding a baby and helping my other kids and cleaning and laundry and cooking and farting and belching and sleeping and driving and showering and brushing my teeth and flossing and drinking this rum) that it might be fun if you ( the people who read this )  Could give me some blog topics.  Not what your blog is about that day.  Just give me some inspiration.  That might be helpful to me.  Anything will do.  Think of it as asking questions of the criminally insane only I won't come torture or kill you.  Well it might be torture reading this dribble.  Ask me all the questions you were afraid to ask your mom.  Oh this could really be fun.  Remember don't ask if you don't want to hear the truth (as I see it).  All opinions posted in Big Daddy Cains blog are his own opinion and do not reflect the opinions of Blogspot or whatever the hell this site is called.  So If you want to know the cold hard truth ( The Liquid Truth ) About the world we live in, or even just about your pathetic life, please send me your questions.  I look forward to seeing just how fucked up you people really are.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Pot pie?

  I just farted and it smells like chicken pot pie.  Is that normal?

Saturday, April 10, 2010

On a serious note

  This is my attempt at writing a serious blog.