Friday, April 9, 2010

Pinky swear etiquette and random crap

Okay, sorry I have been gone for a few days.  I ran out of rum and had to wait till payday for my inspiration. Ugh!  I mean liquid truth. I have been really busy and keep falling asleep early.  You're right, this does not make Zgirl very happy.  I am sorry wife, I still love you and want to tear that ass up. 

Have you seen those guys at road construction sites that hold the sign?  You know what I'm talking about.  It says stop on one side and slow on the other.  Well, I drive for a living, in between jumping out of the car to boost other people's cars.  That's another story for another day.  (the boosting cars I mean)  So, I see these guys all the time and I feel sorry for them.  Bullshit!!!  That's right I just called Bullshit on myself.  Huh!  OH shit, that's kinda fucked up isn't it?   HA HA HA HA!  MMMMM.....This 151 is really good tonight.  I always think when the sign is turned around, and you see this dumb fuck (who is only qualified to hold the fucking sign) standing there next to a sign that says "slow" that I really didn't need that SHIT spelled out for me ASSHOLES!!!!!!!!  Any moron can see this idiot is slow as Heinz ketchup in the glass bottle.  That shit pisses me off.  I want my ketchup now!!!!!!!

I'm three drinks in and feeling no pain now.  People tell me that's enough to kill an elephant.  Lightweights!  Sorry if pachyderms can't handle their fluids.  Just checked the title of this blog and realize I should probably write something about Pinky Swears.  This will only make sense to you if you read the wife's blog.  If you don't shame on you.  If you want to check out  it's Think Tank Momma.  Who am I kidding?  The only way you found me is through her blog.  Thank you by the way.  Thanx for reading this crap. 

Anyappreciation, Pinky Swear etiquette is a very serious subject to me, and should be to you too.  I ask you this, ( yes you, with the hot wing grease all over the keyboard, use a fucking napkin please!)  is a text message good enough for a pinky swear?  Sure you have it in writing, but the whole idea is that you should actually hook the pinkys together and swear.  Right?  You are supposed to be in the same room.  Definitely email is too impersonal for this kind of exchange.  I might not look at my email for 2 years, so that's out.  (Although if your the one with grease all over the place, you're not getting laid no matter what, so why would you care?)  I personally accept the text message.  It got me laid 2 days ago so I think it works.  Also, I think women trading sex for favors is alright.(as long as it's with your husband or boyfriend)  If you start trading sex for favors with just anyone off the streets you might need to get your self checked out.(This is not a safe practice in modern day times.  Big Daddy Cain does not condone or support this kind of trading and certainly will not be held responsible for anyone who chooses to pimp themselves out in this manor.)

Four drinks in and just realized I have to get up at 3:30 AM.  Fuck it who gives a shit!!!!!!!!!  Yuengling (the beer) advertises that they have the oldest brewery in America.  To me, that (oops I meant lager.)  Excuse the hell out of me, voice in the left side of my head!  To me all this means is they are using old nasty dirty equipment.  Kinda like Hugh Heffner.  "You down with OPP, yeah you know me!!!!!!!"  You know the song Blinded by the light?  I don't get this song.  What I hear is Blinded by the light, wrapped up like a douchebag in the middle of the night.  WTF????  This don't make no sense at all.  

After driving all day, one of my favorite pass times is playing GRAND THEFT AUTO or SAINTS ROW on the PS3 or XBOX 360.  Nothing is greater after driving all day (dealing with people that can't drive worth a shit)  than going into the virtual world and mowing down innocent pedestrians.  I love driving like a complete lunatic trying to blow up as many people as possible.  There is no better anger management tool in the world for professional drivers.  If you drive for a living you have to try this.  It will make you laugh hysterically!  Yes, I love to play video games and my wife does not mind at all.  At least that's what she tells me.  I hope it's true.  If you know my wife please tell me if she says anything different.  Mecca Lecca Hi, Mecca Hieny Ho.  Sorry stole that from Pee Wee Herman.  You know, Sir Jerks-a-lot. 

Quick question for the ladies out there.  Would you think it was romantic if your husband looked at you all glassy eyed and said "Go get on the bed.  I want to put my wiener in you and ram it around a little bit ." ?   The wife says this is not romantic at all.  But you have to look at it from my point of view.  I am looking at my wife, whom I have been married to for a billion years and asking this question.  I'm saying I still find you extremely attractive and I want to make you feel good all over.  What could possibly be wrong about that?  Ok, I am going to make myself feel good too.  That's just an added benefit, to my making her feel good.  I am only in this for her pleasure.  Really.  I swear.  I only have her best interest in mind.  How could this be wrong?  I could say this to any number of other women who want me.  But I only want to say it to my wife, the love of my life.  Isn't that romantic? At least a little?  In some sadistic way I'm sure it is.

 Sorry but I have to Go to bed now.  Beware the CENSUS TROLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 

30 comments:

Brittney said...

Holy hell you are a trip!
I love grand theft auto.. we dont have it anymore (i think b.c my husband got tired of sharing his Xbox!) lol

Romantic... hmmm... according to MY husband it would totally be romantic! haha

Viv said...

You cannot hold a person to a text. That is my final decision based on a texted conversation with my ex today.

Ex: Are you coming out for my birthday party?
Me: No.
Ex: Why the hell not?
Me: Too tired.
Ex: Too tired to have any fun, ever? You know everyone who is coming.
Me: Way tired. The 'I would suck your dick for a nap' kind of tired.
Ex: How long a nap do you want?
Me: Huh?
Ex: You just said you wanted to trade.
Me: I didn't mean yours!!! I was being facetious.
Ex: Grr. Let me know when you really get that tired.

(Note, only in a truly sleep deprived state would I set myself up for that one.)

Momma Fargo said...

Heavens to Mergatroid, Man! Drink some more rum. Everything you said makes total sense now that I am three Malibu and diet cokes into this blog post. And yes, that approach to sex with your wife totally is turning me on. I'm going to go tell my Hubs to use that line. Is it OK that we steal it? And I love your wife's blog by the way and yes, you are only famous because of her. Use it! And run! That's all I have to say about that. (Forrest Gump)

Momma Fargo said...

And another thing...where's your sign? Are you standing under the one that says DIP? Just kidding. Love your twisted blog posts. They amuse me.

middle child said...

Actually,...grease and sex go together very well. And I just wanted to say that my man uses the same "love" language that you do. He has studied that language for a long time and knows quite a few of those "romantic" phrases.

Daffy said...

I always trade sex for favors from my husband and my boyfriend.

And what the hell was in that bottle you cracked open?

Who am I kidding....I laughed through the whole schtick.

I think if texting "F U you effer! I'm kicking your ass" holds truth and followthrough then so should texted pinkie swears and sexual offers.....

Dual Mom said...

Now it makes total sense why you and Zgirl get along so well. You both suffer from the worst case of ADD I've ever seen in my ENTIRE life. Holy hell I'm surprised the two of you don't spontaneously combust when you're together!

And that shit's only romantic if she's as lit as you are...just sayin.

gayle said...

As old as I am I do find that line sexy ..........But it has to be said in a sexy way!!

GunDiva said...

I'm trying that pinky swear thing with my hubby. He keeps holding out on me...damn.

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