Monday, April 5, 2010

Red cabbage

So I am sitting here on my couch 3 feet away from the wife.  She is in what I refer to as blogland right now.  3 feet away and she doesn't hear a word I say.  This is why I always said I wanted to start a blog support group for lost husbands with free time a plenty.  That is not necessarily what this blog is about but if I can make just one man out there feel like he is not alone in this crazy world, then I feel I have helped at least a little.  This blog will probably be more like random jumbles of thoughts that I feel like writing down. At times I am sure you will probably think to yourselves WTF!!!  Should be fun for you all to try and understand the mind of a slightly unstable lunatic called BDC.


Hmm...red cabbage.  WTF?  See this is one of those.  I warned you.  Remember that please.  Um...oh yeah, red cabbage.  One of my favorite pass times  is making up bullshit stories with my kids.  Now I said with my kids.  I also love to torture them by telling them crazy things about life.  I hope to remember some of the things I've come up with to share in the future because I think they are quite hilarious.  The wife usually is not impressed by my brainstorms about the universe.  Sometimes I can even get them(the kids) to believe me.  What's really sad is more often than not I can get the teenager to believe me.  She should be the one telling me I'm stupid but whatever.

Oops....dragged that out didn't I?   Had to start a whole new paragraph.  Sorry.  Yes, red cabbage.  This is definitely not one of my better stories but I liked it and I shocked the hell out of the wife.  I'll tell you why at the end.  We went to the grocery store the other day.   Not going to name the store cause I don't want to incriminate anybody.  So the wife and I went to the store the other day, with only one of our kids.  Don't ask how that happened, sometimes you just get lucky.  The middle of the three sons and I are walking through produce when I spot the cabbage.  Right next to the cabbage is of course, the red cabbage.  Now I don't know jack shit about cabbage, but as always, one of the voices in my head says it's time to screw with my son. 

Um....sidebar here for a moment.  I don't really know all the tricks to writing yet so pretend this is like off to the side or something.  Humor me please.  I know you're all wondering about the voices in my head, so let's clarify that I do not suffer from schizophrenia.  I just hear a lot of things going on in my head at the same time.  You know like everything I did last week, mixed with everything going on right now, plus everything I need to do in the let's say next 25 years.  Lots of times it's just things I wished I had done, along with things I want to do someday. 

Okay, now you no I'm not a total loon.  Hopefully.  I say to my son of 10 years "Do you know how they get red cabbage?"  Son says "No Dad, how do they get red cabbage?"  I say "They take prisoners, who aren't going to get out of prison, like ever, and they bring them to the cabbage field.  They get them to hold one of their arms out over the green cabbage and they cut off their arm.  They squeeze all of the blood out and pour it on the cabbage.   The cabbage grows red from there on out and that's how they make red cabbage."  My son is not shocked at all.  Just looks at me like I'm an asshole.  I say to the wife "Isn't that true?"  She stares at me dumbfounded and says, "What the hell is wrong with you?" I, of course, almost believe my bs and try to get her to agree with me, but to no avail. 

Once again left hanging while trying to tell my son how the real world works.  Anylie, I keep trying to get the son to ask the produce guy if I'm right.  After a while I give up.  Then we turn a corner and out of the corner of my eye, I spy my savior.  Halfway down the isle is a very young stock boy.  Time for one last try.   As we reach the stock boy, I quickly and pleadingly tell my son again how red cabbage is made.  He pretty much tells me I am a crazy idiot.  In comes my knight in shining armor.  "Your dad is right, you should ask your teacher at school she'll tell you he's right."  Just so you know, I have never met this boy before.  I don't even have the slightest idea what his name was.  The son looks at him then at me not sure what to think.  VICTORY!!!! 

For a split second he believes me.  That was all I wanted.  A solitary second of complete bliss just to know I got in his head.  Then the wife tells him the truth, of course.  But who cares I won.  The wife was not impressed but I know she always will forgive my eccentricities.  Is that the right word?  Aw, who gives a shit?  So everytime you see red cabbage, think of BDC and his little victory. As dumb as it is, it made me laugh.  Till next time, thanx for reading ttyl.

16 comments:

Viv said...

My grandfather is exactly like that. I suppose I have inherited a touch of it, by nature or nurture I'm not sure. My daughter (9) came home from a sleepover at their house completely exasperated, "Papa is just like you," she accused me. "He makes weird stuff up just like you, and he calls it Papaisms." I asked her is she didn't think that it was the other way around, Papa having been around longer than me and all. "Who cares," she snapped, "my whole family is nuts?" Sounds to me like yours will be *much* more fun as a teen than mine.

adrienzgirl said...

Well, you do appreciate the little things in life huh? VICTORIOUS? PUH-LEEEEZE!

Our poor children. I will teach them the ways of the world. Thank God they have the voice of reason to look to in times of need.

Aye!

Creative. I will give you that. Unfortunately, you are also a tad demented.

Daffy said...

Dude....where do orange peppers come from?

Alison said...

BDC you are completely correct to make sure you pass all of your wisdom to your children. As parents we must!!! What else would they tell the therapist when they complain how much we screwed them up

GunDiva said...

And that's a win for the BDC!

I tell my kids shit like that all the time; it's good fun. And I like to think I'm doing my part in making them a little less gullible for the real assholes of the world :)

Momma Fargo said...

OMG! Tell your son you are so on target. Because I know being the popo and visiting prisons that they totally do that. In between making license plates and belts that is...

What the hell is wrong with you, man? LMFAO.

middle child said...

I would NEVER do that to my children. But I do it to my grandkids ALL THE TIME. I've convinced them the biker guys were after us, told them about the ghosts that used to live here, Bob the Tomato in the produce section and so on. These are actually things kids will happily remember. Good job. I too have enlisted the help of others, like when our adorable Miss Meadow said something about someone knowing her and I began to sneak a whisper to people here and there asking them to say "Hi Meadow!" to her as if they knew her.

Brittney said...

LMao!! Im VERY gullible my husband does that kind of stuff to me and I believe him!!! Haha

That One Mom said...

So, when I visit, your wife and I will be gone for awhile one afternoon... Please don't ask questions if we come back sweaty and covered in dirt. Where the shovels came from is not important...

Mad Woman said...

Isn't that the point of having children? To fill their heads with complete bullshit and hope they retain it all as truth?

ScoMan said...

I don't have any kids of my own so I mess with other peoples kids. My brothers kids. My friends kids. And yet they keep bringing their kids back..

Maybe because they get as much fun out of it as I do.

The childrens mothers do not enjoy it.

Mothers.. they're no fun..

Me-Me King said...

Yeah, I believed all my dad's bullshit stories when I was a kid.....still do. Any-fucking-way, I never understood why I was the one who got in trouble when I repeated these stories during show and tell. I guess my second grade teacher just didn't have much of a sense of humor.

Danielle said...

I always wondered why my uncle only has 1 arm! Thanks for the clarification!

*LLUVIA* said...

LMAO!!!!

My dad told me long time ago, that when we chew gum at night, we are chewing the bones of the dead! I never gone to bed with gum in my mouth!!!

Happy Hour...Somewhere said...

Do you ever read Christopher Moore? You sound so much like some of his characters...it is hilarious. Especially the talking in your head thingy.

Why, oh why do guys love to do this? And you're right...the teenager should totally be "whatever" when you say these things.

drollgirl said...

well i'd love to read this but the neon green text w/black background is making my eyes blind! i don't mean to be a turdy bird -- maybe i am just old and feeble!